ON MY WORST BEHAVIOR
I was sitting in the computer lab for my photography lecture when the teacher asked “who doesn’t have a website?” I really had to pause for a moment to assess whether or not I still had one. Each time I would see that HostGator charge on my credit card I would softly remind myself that I should probably get my money’s worth and update it. Do I still even have a website? Does the link actually work? I typed it in my browser – LAFOXXINTL … yeah it needs a LOT of work. A wave of self loathing instantly washed over me as I thought of how I didn’t pay for the service to save my data, so a lot of it was lost in 2016. I stared at the latest post without really reading the words yearning for that spark of creativity and talent to come back to my fingertips. I felt the way I imagine the homecoming queen would feel looking back at her photos from that school dance ten years later – that was my hay day, and I’ll never get it back. What a waste of money. I clicked out of it and closed my browser.
My dear friend who I was sitting next to (in the middle of lecture) whisper yelled “Hey, wait! Go back!” I refused to give him my website – surely he wasn’t talking about those boring fossil pages I was going through. In the time it took me whip my head around to read the computer lab screen to catch up from what I missed while my brain went down memory lane, he had already taken the two clicks to find my browser history and typed the site into his screen. So there I was in a Youtube clip on his screen, in my handmade suede caged skirt, with long flowy hair and perfect cheekbone highlight, winking at the camera. He clicked through every post and gave me the most positive feedback. He quipped at the catchy titles from my writing samples and poems, and we laughed at every kookie outfit I was wearing. I saw the old alleyways that surrounded my old Seattle apartment, the pitch black test shots of David laughing (I really should have increased my ISO because those photos of him were cute) in wine country, and even the supplemental photos for my eBay business when was in its early stages. It really made my heart sing looking at how far I had come – not just as a model and stylist, but as a photographer. What is stopping me from furthering my creative portfolio? An $80 template for my site? A fear for being just another blog on the internet waffling about nothing?
It is no understatement that 2018 has been one of the most trying of years for me. I have suffered too much loss and have dealt with too much pain in these past months to not document the good – the growth. Through all of the grime and grit, I have absolutely refused to stay stuck in emotional prison. As awful as it has been to feel everything and (attempt to) cope properly, I somehow keep going, and writing has always been one of my forms of therapy. I’m not so sure if I formally thanked Nathan for looking at my site because he really helped drive a few points home in my brain. I know I’m not the best at blogging or photography or modeling, but I’m me and I’m proud of how resilient I am. I made a serious commitment in August to seriously pursue the creative side of me and to try my hand at applying it commercially, putting in as much work as possible so that I can grow. Lord knows I was (and am) going through the gigs, but your girl is slowly but surely getting back on her feet. I owe it to myself to put myself on and continue to put myself out there. Hug virtual bear hugs, and here is to meeting you all and geeking out on all things art.
CREATIVE DIRECTION, MAKEUP, STYLING, AND PHOTOGRAPHY : ARIA GIOVANNA
Vintage Clip-On Earrings, Sterling Silver Ring, and Hat Pins (Jewelry)
Handmade (By Me) Black Flower Crown
Handmade (By Me) Leather Harness
